Finding myselfApr 10, 2022
One day in December 2019 I came home from the last performance of 9 of the Nutcracker. I was too tired to sit up to grab the remote to turn on the tv. I stared at the ceiling while laying on the couch and rested for 90 minutes until I had to go to the bathroom.
I finally got up and went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands I was stunned by the image of the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I didn’t recognize her.
I was lost. I’d gotten caught up in the busyness and obsession around growing the choral program I was leading. I was connecting with talented musicians and I loved it. I was addicted to the thrill of performance. But I lost myself and forgot about the things I value most.
This wasn’t the first time I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. The first time I remember that happening was on a dark day in 2007. I was living in a beautiful neighborhood and a beautiful home in Boise with my then-husband and then-five-year-old daughter. The floor plan was a split floor plan with two bedrooms on one side of the house and the primary suite on the other side of the house.
I was a Mary Kay Sales Director at the time at the top 2% of the company. I didn’t feel like the top 2%. I felt like an imposter. I had used the intoxicating thrill of achievement to numb the pain I felt being in an abusive and unhappy marriage. The more successful I became in my business, the more the abuse escalated.
On that dark day in 2007 there was a particular rough episode that ended with me curled up in fetal position in my walk-closet. Crying.
I don’t know how long I was there. I heard a soft knock on the outside door of my bedroom. It was my 5 year old daughter. I realized I had to get up off the floor and go mother her no matter how I was feeling.
As I stood up in the walk in closet, I was face to face with my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I didn’t recognize the woman I had become. I was strong and successful on the outside. On the inside, I was battered. Let’s be clear. I was also battered on the outside, but I told myself people didn’t know. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.
It was looking into my own eyes in the reflection of the mirror I knew I had a choice to get up off the floor and stay off the floor by choosing myself and my daughter first. Or… I could choose to surrender my life to the abuse and go back into the walk-in closet and stay small.
The moment in 2019 after the Nutcracker when I looked into the reflection of my eyes I felt the same sense of loss of connection with myself. Outwardly I was successful. I’d grown the program to it’s biggest ever, built a volunteer parent advisory board, expanded the program by 2 choirs, created a volunteer network, stepped into leadership at the state and regional level and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t sure how to get out of that job, but I knew I needed such radical change to reconnect with myself. When I got laid off in April 2020 due to the COVID pandemic, there was a part of me that was relieved.
It took the next 6 months to heal. When 2021 rolled around, I knew to my core that if I was going to continue to grow I needed to move. Cut forward to the move to Portland in August 2022. I moved to find a better version of myself. To grow.
This weekend I took a solo trip to Yachats, Oregon as you may have seen on my social channels Instagram and Facebook. I went for a branding photoshoot with Boise photographer Kam Neth (click to see her Instagram). She is SO talented, kind, genuine, and high vibe that when she announced she would be in Oregon for photo sessions, I jumped at the chance to work with her.
When I look at the pictures and I look at myself in the mirror… I feel whole. Completely whole.
Now this is a selfie I took.. not one of Kam's gorgeous photos. You'll have to wait just a little longer to see those but know this. I cried when I saw them!! I look like... me.
I’m living with integrity to myself, with integrity to my own purpose and mission. I live in service to others but I live for myself. It’s SUCH a gift to be able to live this way.
I recognize how incredible and rare it is. I’ve come back from having lost myself more than once, more than twice, more than three times. I know how to do it.
That’s why I’m SO passionate about helping other people come back from having lost themselves and know who they are.
That’s also why I know how to coach you. That’s why I can see through your bullshit. Because I’ve lived my own.
Go to a mirror. Look in the mirror and make eye contact with yourself. Really look into your own eyes for 30 seconds and see what comes up for you.
If you can look into your own eyes for 30 seconds and feel like, “YES! There I am! That’s me! I’m living my best life!”... wrap your arms around yourself with so much love. Congratulate yourself for living with integrity to you! And please accept this high five from me to you!
If you look in the mirror for 30 seconds and don’t recognize the face looking back at you, or can’t stand to look for 30 seconds… wrap your arms around yourself with so much compassion and love. Know you aren’t alone. Know that your experience while unique is not uncommon and know that I can help.
I’m accepting three new clients in the month of April.
These are people who want transformation, want to be happy, want to feel better, and want to heal. We’ll work together with 6 sessions over the next 12 weeks and get you YOU back.
Curious? Let’s chat!! Click here to book a discovery call.