92. Conflict and Repair: Strengthening Connection in Relationships with Deb Rubin

Season #4

Try breathwork free: https://www.brendawinkle.com/breathe  

This episode features Deb Rubin in a conversation about the significance of connection and the obstacles that can hinder it. Brenda and Deb discuss fear as a barrier to connection and the need to let go of outdated survival skills. They explore the challenges of self-inquiry and the importance of self-compassion and practice. Brenda and Deb discuss the importance of validation and being seen and understood. They also touch on topics such as conflict, individuation, and making friends as adults. The conversation concludes with gratitude and appreciation for each other's insights and inspirations.

Here are the takeaways...


  1. Connection and meaningful conversations are the ultimate nervous system regulator 
  2. Fear blocks the connection. Fear of not being heard, fear of being judged or misunderstood. Fear puts up a layer around us that won't allow us to be present, listen and allow ourselves to be seen.
  3. Outdated survival skills hindering personal growth. These are old coping skills. The brain doesn't know the difference between real threat and perceived threat. The skills may have been necessary in earlier life but are no longer useful.
  4. Deepening the connection with oneself and others is possible only when we feel safe. If our nervous system is dysregulated or activated (in fear, stress, fight/flight), making connection might feel really difficult. 
  5. Conflict is a necessary part of relationships. Conflict is essentially disagreeing. It doesn't have to be violent (and shouldn't be) but deepens relationships. 
  6. The dance between individuation and society is an essential part of growing up. Our culture emphasizes blending (staying connected in social media) over individuation. What we want to do as parents is emphasize and celebrate our children's uniqueness. This is a new place for us as a society.
  7. The more authentic you are, the more able you are to connect with others. 

About Deb

  Deb Rubin a huge passion for self-discovery and growth, and love nothing more than helping others evolve in their own unique ways. As a therapist of over 20 years, She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has worked in numerous therapeutic job settings, as well as sexual health education - consciously blending the best of both Eastern and Western theories into her practice.   Her experience includes working with both young adults and adults in multiple facets of life, including relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, life transitions, attachment styles, parenting, anxiety, and depression, preparing for motherhood, grief and loss, and trauma work.   She's had the awesome opportunity to work with people in a wide variety of settings, including Colorado Outward Bound School and Women’s Wilderness Institute, Planned Parenthood, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs Hospital, and Colorado University’s Psychological and Psychiatry Department. She eventually landed into her own private therapeutic practice in 2006. In 2017, I eagerly expanded my practice to include parent coaching and group facilitation through The Mother Daughter Journey (MDJ.) She lives in Boulder, Colorado with my husband and two daughters.  

Her offering: The Mother Daughter Journey Classes https://motherdaughterjourney.co/classes-and-workshops 


Connect with Deb: 

Website: https://motherdaughterjourney.co/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themotherdaughterjourney/ 

 What's in Deb's morning mug: https://amzn.to/3qNX7bX 

 Hear Brenda on Deb and Kate Kripke's podcast - Motherhood Uncut - https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/motherhood-uncut/episodes/Highly-Sensitive-Mothers-and-Kids--Motherhood-Uncut-Podcast--Season-2-Episode-7-e1uu197/a-a9b49ae 

Connect with Brenda: 

New free 4 part video series, "Breathwork to strengthen and trust your intuition" https://www.brendawinkle.com/breathe 

1:1 Healing Sessions - Heal to the Yes - https://www.brendawinkle.com/healing 

Yes Academy - https://www.brendawinkle.com/yes-academy-course 

Heal Yes Retreat - https://www.brendawinkle.com/retreat 


Chat with Brenda 



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Connect with Brenda

Website: https://www.brendawinkle.com/ 


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brendawinkle/ 


Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/brenda.winkle111 


TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@brendawinkle111 


LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/brendawinkle/ 


Email: [email protected] 

Keywords: connection, fear, survival skills, personal growth, self-inquiry, self-compassion, practice, admiration, validation, vulnerability, psychotherapist, parent coach, Mother Daughter Journey, connection with oneself, connection with others, lack of connection, regret, coping mechanisms, self-regulation, non-threat state, slowing down, body awareness, smiling at fear, boundaries, value-neutral, emotional response, mean comments, conflict and repair, individuation, conflict avoidance, adolescents, void, discomfort, conformity, social media, making friends as adults, authenticity, integrity, morning mug, coffee, mushroom blend, podcast, nature, inspiration, gratitude, self-awareness, questioning thoughts and feelings, processing and releasing emotions.