Brenda 00:00:00 Welcome to your yes filled life. I'm Brenda Winkel, an intuitive leadership coach and somatic guide for high performers, high achievers who want more freedom, ease, joy and energy. You are a visionary, leader driven, intuitive and ready for more more flow in your work, more presence and joy in your life and relationships. More trust in yourself and the decisions you make every day. Here we explore the intersection of intuition, leadership, and energetic sovereignty, blending practical strategy with energetic alignment so you can create success that feels deeply fulfilling at work, at home, in your relationships, and in your own well-being. You'll hear inspiring stories, practical strategies, and high level conversations designed to help you integrate the woo into your daily life. Because when your energy is aligned, everything flows ready to elevate how you lead and live. Start by downloading my free Energy audit at Forward Slash Audit and discover what's fueling or depleting you. Let's do this. Your yes! Filled life starts. Yay!
00:01:14 Here you are. Yeah.
Brenda 00:01:18 Okay, so last night, we were talking about the. Why? Because if we're really clear on our why, the what all of a sudden makes more sense. And so I'm seeing in the chat the why felt more real, more achievable. The why was reaffirming. Because the why and the how have slowed me down. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to be digging into more of that today. We'll kind of close the loop on the why, so to speak, so that we can bring everything. And then we're also going to be doing some laser coaching. If you have any specific issues you want to chat about, you can bring them on up. And then And we're also going to be talking about congruence. And I'll explain why that matters in just a second. Oh I see. My why was deeper than I originally thought. I love that. It often is. And when you get to that deep lump in your throat, make you want to cry. Why? That's the fuel that can keep you going.
Brenda 00:02:18 That's what can get you off the couch in ADHD paralysis. That's what can get you moving. Oh, first of all, who who here identifies as an ADHD or. I'm just curious. Yeah, lots and lots of ADHD ers in the house. so. Yep, yep. ADHD paralysis is, is a thing. So we're going to start today. Like we always start with some breath. And if you've never tried breath. Just a reminder that it's the one thing that connects the subconscious to the conscious mind. And also, so many of us are in motion so much of the time. But sometimes as soon as we start to breathe, we'll feel emotions bubble up to the surface and that's okay. We'll just breathe through them and get to the other side. But here's the thing. When we get really clear on our why, then we can begin to do the work on what's next. Because without being clear on the why, the what is like, it's like not knowing where you're pointing. It's like having the GPS on but set to 43 places.
Brenda 00:03:27 It doesn't actually work. We need clarity in the. Why? Because then with the why, it's like, oh, okay, now I know why I want to do this. I know why it's worth it to me to get into the garage, to go through all the things I know, why it's worth it to me to reach out to the people who I might collaborate with. I know why it's worth it to me to pitch my book proposal. I know why it's worth it to me to write seven minutes a day. I know why it's worth it to me to start that Facebook group. Because as we talked about last night, Elizabeth Gilbert says, you're going to eat a shit sandwich. What sandwich do you want? Because when you have the why, the things that you don't prefer, it just it rolls off your back. Do I love sending out 18 pitches a week? Well, I've learned to love it, but I didn't initially love it. I had a whole nervous system response every time I would do one.
Brenda 00:04:28 I used to do one a week, or sometimes, if I'm honest, one a month, because my nervous system wouldn't allow me to do that. And so that's this is also to point out you can grow into the thing that feels a little bit scary right now. Any thoughts, comments, questions about the why before we move into congruence. Okay, so when we say the word congruence, what I'm talking about is matching in so to speak, if something is congruent, it goes with. If you think about congruent circles, one circle goes inside the other circle. When there's congruency, things fit. When something is incongruent, it doesn't fit. And this matters for us, because if we have either a belief that something isn't good, something that we want, or if we're going about something in a way that feels out of congruent congruence for us, we will not do it. No matter how many affirmations we do, no matter how much we want to, we just will not do it. Let me give you a really big example.
Brenda 00:05:51 So diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging are very important to me. And when I was a teacher, I was often a keynote speaker on these types of issues. It's very important to me. When I started my business and I went into the business coaching world. I looked for people who I thought could help me the most because I felt like I didn't have business acumen and I wasn't filtering through the lens of do they also match this value? I just needed business acumen. And as I got going, I noticed that there was sometimes some crunchy stuff and I'd be like, oh, I don't think that feels good. But you know, when you're being told something by someone who's an expert and knows more than you, sometimes you think, well, maybe they maybe they know something I don't. Or maybe they're coming at it in a different angle. Or maybe that part that matters to me is coming later. So to make a long story longer. I came to a certain point where I looked around a group I was in, and it was not what I hoped it would be.
Brenda 00:07:14 It was predominantly white, predominantly 35, predominantly married, wealthy husbands supporting them, doing business kind of as a hobby to see if they really liked it. And. and were very, very, very thin and prioritized thinness. And none of those things are bad or wrong. I want to be really clear about that. None of those things are bad or wrong. But when I tried to run my business the way that I was being told to run my business in that type of community, there was a massive incongruence. Because for me, I'm not married. I don't have a safety net. I don't have someone else's income to rely on, so I don't have time to waste in ten hours of calls a week with people because it's it's all on me. And also diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging are really important. And when I look at a group and it's one type of person and I'm the outlier, or even if I wasn't the outlier, I'm realizing that I'm dulling my own purpose. And what started to happen was I couldn't run my business.
Brenda 00:08:45 I couldn't share my offers, listen to my throat chakra close up. As I say that I couldn't share my offers. I couldn't talk about what mattered to me because I knew it wasn't associated with my values. And so I left the group. Not because I think they're bad or wrong. I still love them. They're wonderful humans. But I left the group and I went and found a different coach because I knew that I had lost my footing a little bit. And so I went to somebody who puts equity and inclusion first and business second, and everything turned around for my business. The moment I did that, too, because it's what matters to me now. Probably if you're here, that also matters to you. But the point is, it's not about what I matter or what I value or what you value. It's about. Are you setting yourself up to live in a way that is congruent to what matters to you? Because if you think that that you can sort of sidestep your values to do something you can't, your subconscious, your body will block it every single time.
Brenda 00:10:11 What happens if I put equity first? What happens if I do something that all business people will tell you never to do? And I offer tiered pricing for all my group programs. What happens? Well, the first thing that happens is people are like, I don't believe you. I don't trust you. Honestly, that's the first thing that happens. They're like, why would you do that? And then the second thing is they're like, oh, I get it. Now, again, I'm not telling you that you should do what I value. I'm telling you, you should do what you value. So if there's anything that you're trying to do that you have either a value that says that there's an opposition or you have a subconscious belief that says that there's an opposition. It will stop you cold in your tracks. Jill.
Jill 00:11:00 So I was kind of thinking about something similar to what you just explained. after I retired, you know, you have those that friend group and that what you think at the time is your people.
Jill 00:11:17 And I found that towards the end, before I retired, I was kind of pulling away. It wasn't I didn't feel in congruence with certain people that I worked with, and I knew the people that I did work with that I knew were right there with me. There was never any wavering. We we were solid. And I knew that after I left, I would still be solid with those people. But it was really interesting to, you know, go 20 years thinking, oh, I, you know, these are my people and we're all together. And it just it wasn't it. You know, and I felt guilty about that for a while, but I don't anymore. Now that further I further away I get from it I see where wow. You know, I kind of wish I'd known then what I know now, but yeah. So that I can relate to that.
Brenda 00:12:15 Thank you for sharing. I see something in the chat very similar saying releasing friendships from life has been the hardest part due to incongruence.
Brenda 00:12:24 I think it often comes up for us in relationship, not only relationship but often in relationship. Stephanie.
Stephanie 00:12:33 This one is really quick, but I think, in terms of like, medical appointments or like practitioners that you work with, I noticed that if I recognize, like this person and I aren't on the same page or. It just like is not in congruence. And I had a lot of guilt about getting a second opinion or just going to a different practice or whatever, but I always have felt so much better and made a connection with somebody who, does feel like their incongruence. And then so now it's like I have the confidence when I meet a new practitioner to evaluate first, I give them a chance to explain kind of what they're like and then decide for myself, is this going to work for me or no? And then and that feels much more like I'm in control of, you know, my care gives me a little bit more, agency within it, I guess.
Brenda 00:13:34 Oh, I love that.
Brenda 00:13:34 Thank you for sharing that. Health is one of the places that in congruency shows up. And so we can make a health goal. Like we're going to eat a particular way or drink a certain amount of water or move our bodies a particular amount. And if we don't do those things, that is also a form of incongruence that can create negative thought patterns for us. We're going to talk about laser coaching. So if you have something that you're like, okay, I just want a different way to think about this or different way to approach this. Let's let's dive in. And the thing is, everyone's going to benefit from what you share, because you're going to see your own situation through someone else's eyes. Hi, Avani.
Jill 00:14:18 Hi.
Bavani 00:14:19 I'll go first since I'm not a fan of, hot seats, so I thought I'll get it over with. I think for me, with what I want to do, I have this conversation in my head all the time. It's the fear that I want to do something that already exists.
Bavani 00:14:37 Thousands of people are doing it. And then I convince myself that. But nobody's doing it in my voice or with my experiences. So I know the logic of that. But but still, that doesn't seem to push me forward to like, get going on this. It's still the thing. Like, you know, yet another person doing what I want to do. Okay. How do I get past that?
Brenda 00:15:00 All right, so two things. One is when's the last time that you drove by a McDonald's and didn't also see a Wendy's and a Burger King and a chick fil A within a half mile.
Bavani 00:15:16 Usually close by to each other.
Brenda 00:15:19 They're all close by to each other. They all offer basically the same thing, basically the same price point. And yet there's room for all of them within a half mile. In fact, sometimes you'll go in there, like on top of each other. You could go get onion rings from Burger King and your hamburger from somewhere else if you wanted. It's because it's unique to them.
Brenda 00:15:43 And so this is just saying there is a case to be made That, like, businesses can survive together. And even if it's not a business, it's your unique energy that can create it. My question for you is when you tune in to the body and you think about creating this thing that you're worried is too similar to something else. Where do you feel sensation?
Bavani 00:16:19 And I don't know about sensation, but it's my mind. Your mind.
Brenda 00:16:22 Is.
Bavani 00:16:23 Great. I feel calm, but it's my mind. Yeah.
Brenda 00:16:26 Okay. So will you bring your hands to your heart here, just for a second. So we're going to acknowledge that the mind is not wrong. And we love our minds. It's what we call the mental field. So we know that your mind thinks that they're too similar. Can you bring your awareness and your energy right here to the heart. You're connecting with that heart. And let's ask the heart what the heart thinks. Even starting with the statement, I know in my heart that.
Bavani 00:17:21 This is something special to offer.
Brenda 00:17:24 Yes, exactly. Yeah. I just let that sit. That's big. I can I can feel the emotionality behind that. You have something special to offer that no one else is going to offer. No one else is going to do it the way you would do it, because no one else has your life experience and your expertise. Let's do one more. Take your hands just above your belly button and just placing your hands gently on your belly. I know in my gut that.
Bavani 00:18:25 I know my gut. I must do this, but yeah.
Brenda 00:18:29 Yeah. And it's okay. Those emotions are there. That means. That means you're on the right track. And I want to just, go meta for a second. The mind is very, very fast. And that's why when when Bhavani was talking originally, she was able to access the thoughts really quickly and then the heart is slower than the mind. And did you notice that it took just a little bit more time to come up with the answer? That's true for every single one of us when we tap into the heart.
Brenda 00:18:58 And the gut is also known as the intuitive body, and it's the slowest intelligence center of all. And we have to slow down and pause to access that deep wisdom. Bhavani, I cannot wait to see what you build. Thank you for sharing this with us. Really appreciate you. Yeah. Bhavani in the chat is that I often feel very much the same. The same meaning that we often tell ourselves that we're the only one who's got this unique issue. And yeah, you are unique. You really are. Your challenge is not unique. Your challenge is pretty universal, especially when you come into groups like this where there's so much similarity of deep intuition, deep empathy, deep compassion, and a little bit of a prevalence toward people pleasing but don't want it to be. And you've worked through it. You've done the therapy, you've done the 12 steps, and yet sometimes it's still there, right? When you come into a group like this, then it there's so much healing that happens from being in community and sharing what we're going through.
Karen 00:20:15 I always feel thoughts or torn between all the ideas I've got, all the things I want to do. All the things that I've not been able to do over the past years. And. And I might start something And get into it and then start something else. But then always I'm having to. I've got in the back of my mind that I need to rein back because my energy is limited. Not if I know and I do. I do suffer if I go beyond my available envelope or mental, physical or emotional ability at any time, which very yeah. And I just get and then and then I will fall and I do even that. and then the things I want to do mount up again. I don't know how to balance balance things more but.
Brenda 00:21:40 Yeah this is an important question, and I know several of the people on the call are very glad that you asked this question. so there's there's going to be two answers to this, and they're going to sound like they're, they're conflicting, but that's okay.
Brenda 00:21:57 Life is full of conflicting conflicts in contrast. Right. So because of the way that you are built and your unique energy pattern, you're going to have a lot of ideas. You just will. You'll have lots and lots of ideas. It's part of what makes you you. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't make you wrong. Having a lot of ideas is is a good thing. And you're very creative and creative types. Yeah. Have even more of this idea and that idea. And the cool thing is when you blend them together, you come up with this really cool braid that's totally unique. And so, you know, they say that like if you have clutter in your house and you're this type of a person, you might see one pile over there and be like, ooh, that belongs with this. And it's a combination nobody's ever seen before. And so there can be inspiration that comes from doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that. That can actually be a good thing.
Brenda 00:23:01 The thing we want to watch is, are you starting more projects as a way to avoid doing something that feels scary or hard, and only you'll know the answer? So it comes down to the motivation. If doing the lots of things feels energizing, expansive, creative, fun, joyful, do those things. Don't hold back. If you're trying to do those things to escape something, I would dig deeper into what you're trying to escape. Does that help? Okay, good. Does that feel complete?
Karen 00:24:04 Well, I always still have that. Reluctance of wanting to test my limits. Okay.
Brenda 00:24:18 So, have you downloaded the energy audit?
Karen 00:24:22 Yeah.
Brenda 00:24:22 Yeah. Okay. Did you get the one with the digital copy?
Karen 00:24:28 Right. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
Brenda 00:24:31 So when you start to track your energy, you'll start to see patterns of what fuels you and what depletes you. So like for example, on Saturday and Sunday this week I went and did social things. That's not typical for me. But when I looked at, would it energize me or deplete me? Both of them were, oh, it would energize me, even if it means that I have to come home.
Brenda 00:25:01 And I have to navigate the Sunday chores at 4 p.m. instead of doing them at 1 p.m.. I'm still going to be fueled by being around the people I was around. Whereas if it was something I that was depleting, it was going to cost me energy. I wouldn't have done it on a Sunday, a Saturday or Sunday. Are there my days? I don't do anything that is going to cost or deplete me in any way. And so you you can kind of you have to trial and error a little bit to find out. How much does this feel? Me? How much does this deplete me? If I would have gone out with my girlfriend's group for five hours on Sunday, that would have been depleting because it would have been too much. But because we went out for three, that felt fun because we went to two different places and it was fun. So there's a little bit of you just have to experiment. And depending on what your baseline is, your answer could change. Like when I so when I'm looking at the week of April, not April, August 18th, my week that week will be much, much lighter because I know that I'm going to have to flip a time zone by eight hours, so I'm not going to do as much that week because I know I won't have the capacity because I'm going to need to get back on my time zone.
Brenda 00:26:38 So you can you can kind of guess based on what's happening and how you're feeling in general too. And you'll still make mistakes, but you'll get better at it. Stephanie, I feel like your wheels are turning.
Stephanie 00:26:52 I can't really, guess everyone's age here, but I think there might be people who share my, situation with aging parents, and, I, I had to excuse myself there for a little bit because I got a call from my sister about something that happened with my parents. So, I'm having just. My wheels are kind of turning because I. I'm thinking about, balancing unexpected need, which may be happening this afternoon. She was kind of just giving me a heads up versus, you know, like what? What I want to be doing, you know. and I think for parents. But I think that works for, like caring for children too. You you have these things that light you up and that you want to do, but sometimes there's just not the time in the day to do it to the extent that you would like.
Stephanie 00:27:52 So like, I find myself sometimes thinking like, well, I can only do that for five minutes, so I'm not going to do it because. You know what I mean? Like, if I do it, it's just going to make me want to do it more, and I can't, so I'm just not going to do it, which I don't think is the right way to do it. But I think that's what happens to me sometimes is in terms of like what Karen is talking about, like managing my energy or like what do I want to be doing? And also I don't want to wear myself out. Sometimes working out is not my within my control, that kind of stuff.
Brenda 00:28:25 Absolutely.
Stephanie 00:28:26 I have a lot of that going on right now.
Brenda 00:28:28 And what you're saying is real. And whether you're talking about partners or parents or children. There are things that come up that are unexpected, that we can't budget our energy or our time for, and it just happens, right? And so then the question is, or the question I ask myself is, do I have capacity to show up in the way I want to? And if the answer is yes, then I will try to figure out where I can put in that thing.
Brenda 00:29:00 That would fuel me a different time, even if it's only five minutes.
Stephanie 00:29:06 Right. Yep.
Brenda 00:29:08 I've. I've gone to the beach for like, an hour. It takes me 90 minutes to get there, but I decided it was worth it to go, even if I spent less time there than it took me to drive because of how fueling it would be. And so there is compromise that comes with these types of situations where it's like, you can't tell them no. Well, I mean, you could, depending on the issue and depending on the the health status and the mental acuity and all of those things, sometimes you can, but sometimes you can't. And so like example, when I was staying in Madison last month or last month, last year, it was this time of year. I was there for five weeks as my dad went through his final transition, and there was a lot of times when things were completely out of my control, like it was a lot for me to make sure Bentley got outside.
Brenda 00:30:06 That that was hard. Yeah. During those last five weeks. But he always got outside and we always got to the lake. We got to the lake every single day. I was in Madison. It might have been almost dark by the time we got there, but we got there every day. And then some days we got to go to a different lake that we didn't have to walk to, that we could drive to. Because in Madison, it's like about the lakes. There's no mountains or there's not really trails. You just you go to the lake and you walk around the lake. so hopefully, hopefully that can help just a little bit and give yourself permission, even if you like. I know you like to color. Is there a way that you can set things up so you can sit down just for five minutes.
Stephanie 00:30:52 Yeah. I also saw these like little teeny tiny coloring books and I was like ooh. So it's almost like a little coloring snack. Like it's just one little thing.
00:31:03 Oh, I love that.
Stephanie 00:31:04 I thought that might be fun. So I also, I don't know if any of you do this, but, you know, those diamond art things with the little. So I got I got one as a prize from somewhere, but it's it's bigger than eight by ten. It's humongous. And I was like, I mean, I love that, but it was overwhelming. And then I found some that are just like postcard size. And I was like, okay, that seems like a better something that's doable in an afternoon or to work on for five minutes at a time and actually make some progress, that kind of stuff.
Brenda 00:31:35 I love this, I love this, and the other thing that you're speaking to that I just want to name is when you have ADHD, we have this idea that if we can't complete the task, maybe we shouldn't do it, maybe we shouldn't even start it.
00:31:49 Yeah, I have that.
Brenda 00:31:51 And so giving ourselves permission to do the thing for a specific period of time and really is a reframe because we like to get things complete because there's so many things we don't complete, because we have ADHD, because we love shiny things, we love to start things.
Brenda 00:32:10 And so then we start to internalize this idea that if I don't finish it, I'm bad or weak or something. And so then we start this self-talk thing that's not helpful. And so if we can reframe the check mark from completion to the check mark for this much time, it can really help. That was game changing for me because I would just, like, not start stuff because I'm like, I know I can't finish it, so I guess I'll just not start it ever.
Stephanie 00:32:42 Yes. Yeah, but yeah, but you do feel better if you do it even just a little tiny bit.
Brenda 00:32:47 So even just a little bit. But you have to change it. How change how it looks on your, on your to do list. Yeah. Because if it says complete then I'll, I have this little system where I do check marks for done arrows for deferred to tomorrow and then x's if I'm delegating or deleting it. And I have to be really careful that I can create as many checkmarks as possible because I will feel like I'm not doing enough.
Brenda 00:33:18 If I see a bunch of deferred things, even if I did progress on each of those things, I have to break it down into tiny little tasks so that I feel like, okay, I did it. So maybe you could create a to do list with the things that light you up?
Stephanie 00:33:34 Yes. Yes. And I think, I think oh, I love that your I, your, audit that you do of the year. And I was like, ooh, I need to try that too. Because especially with the craziness of this last year, I'm not keeping in mind all the things that we did. Yeah, that worked in our finished, you know, invitation to.
Brenda 00:33:57 Yeah. To do that. And then if you haven't listened to the episode on the podcast with Michelle Bender, Michelle Bender is my friend. She's the one I met literally in the Atlantic Ocean. she was coming out of the Atlantic Ocean in a green dress. Like, who does that? Anyway? Michelle. Michelle does that.
Brenda 00:34:13 She is a ghostwriter. And she just got finished writing, Bruce Willis wife's book. Oh, okay. And she talks about the impact of writing seven minutes a day. So you could also use this in your writing?
Stephanie 00:34:28 Yeah.
Brenda 00:34:28 You could just write for seven minutes a day and then as a timer and I. Her name is Emma. I think Emma. she did what? Michelle asked, even as a caregiver for Bruce Willis. And she wrote seven minutes a day all the way through the book process. And that's how the book got published.
Stephanie 00:34:46 Oh that's great. That's. Yeah, that's resonating with me a lot because I think way back when, when we started, when I started with you, that was one of the first assignments was like, pick something and do it for seven minutes. And at first it was like, oh, this is so hard. But then it was like, oh, this is fantastic. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Thank you.
Brenda 00:35:07 You're welcome. Huge thanks to the participants of the Yes to Me journey who have allowed me to share their laser coaching, their comments, their questions and their hearts.
Brenda 00:35:20 Big thanks to Jill and Bhavani and Stephanie and Kendra and Karen. Appreciate you so, so very much. If you find yourself craving a space where your voice, your vision, and your energy matter even more than your accomplishments, your gas filled life might be the experience for you. Your Yes Field Life Group coaching is a 12 week experience for intuitive leaders, ambitious people who are ready to stop shrinking just to make other people more comfortable. You're ready to stop over functioning and giving stuff away for free just because you can, and you're ready to finally lead from your whole truth. If you've spent your life holding space for others, whether that means family, clients, friends, team members, colleagues, coworkers but you feel like no one's holding space for you, then this is the room you've been searching for inside your yes filled life. You'll reclaim your energy, refine your boundaries, and rise into visibility in a way that feels natural. Grounded and aligned. We don't just talk about change, we practice it together.
Brenda 00:36:36 So if you've been feeling the nudge, say yes to yourself. Doors are now open for our fall cohort. Go to Brendan winkle.com/your filled life. For more that's Brenda Winkle forward slash your yes filled life. You don't have to do this alone anymore. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of your Gas Filled Life podcast. It means so much that you're here. I have a request. Could you please share this episode with someone you care about and leave the podcast? Your five star rating, wherever you're listening right now. It means more to the podcast than I can even say. Thank you so much for listening. Bye for now. Until next time.
