Brenda Winkle 00:00:01 Welcome to your yes filled life. I'm Brenda Winkle, energetic leadership guide, psychic, medium and somatic coach for ambitious leaders who know their gifts are real and who want to stand fully in them. Here you'll learn how to trust your intuition, embody your vision, and step into the freedom you've been creating, all without chasing more certifications or carrying stuff that does not belong to you. Every week, I'll share powerful practices and conversations with thought leaders and changemakers that help you transform your vision into embodied confidence. Claim your gifts without apology and lead with both clarity and freedom. Because your gifts aren't cute. They are powerful. They're real, and they're needed. Start today by downloading my free energy audit at Brenda Winkle. Com for audit. It's the exact tool I use to track what's fueling me and what's draining me. It will help you discern between that hit of achievement and true joy, so that you can lead with more clarity and impact. This is your space to stop proving, start embodying and live fully in your gifts.
Brenda Winkle 00:01:16 Welcome to your yes filled life. Hello and welcome to your yes filled life. I'm your host, Brenda Winkle. Today in the podcast, we're going to be exploring the concept of when growth changes relationships. So we're going to be talking about identity evolution, how we can recalibrate relationships. And we're going to address the elephant in the room. That is the fear of losing connection as we grow. And so many times there's like this push pull between the things that we want to create in our lives the things we want to learn or try or do or be, and our current relationships. And sometimes it's in our head. We're the ones that are creating the worry about losing connection. And sometimes it is the other person who doesn't want us to change and evolve. And I just want to normalize that. This is an experience most, if not all of us will have at one time or another. Because, you know, the truth is, we're always still growing and evolving. That's why you say things like, well, this thing I'm into right now is you've evolved into that.
Brenda Winkle 00:02:43 Even if we're talking about like the hydration powder that you use, like, oh, I used to use the primal hydration pattern. This time I'm trying Altima. It's Altima, so you say it anyway, you get the point. We're always growing and evolving. So when we're doing a certain kind of growth, especially if we're talking about finding joy in a new way that we haven't done before, or we're talking about massive transitions, moving kids, moving out of the house, kids going to college, relationship changes, maybe a job change for you or your partner, or if we're talking about you building a business, a lot of times it's going to create changes in the way that you approach things and the way that you have your perspective. And that creates a change in the relationships. And that can be very confronting. And it can also be enough to keep you exactly where you are and not growing. So I know myself with this as like, and I'm going to tell you a little story and remember going to a retreat in Florida, and it was a big deal for me to go, because it was the first time I admitted openly that I didn't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life, in public, to a whole group of people, and it was the first time I openly said, I want to create an exit plan.
Brenda Winkle 00:04:19 And I said that as a way before I was going into the retreat, and I was sitting in my bed and I was just making a decision, was I going to go to Peru and travel Machu Picchu and take a tour, or was I going to attend this retreat in Florida? And finally, once and for all? Plot a path out of education. And I thought to myself, well, both of these things could do that because both are going to be really expansive, transformational experiences. And then it came back to relationships. And I was thinking to myself, you know, there's a possibility that if I attend that retreat in Florida, that I'm going to make new friends who are on the same journey I am. And so I made the choice to go to the retreat in Florida. I still want to get to Machu Picchu. By the way, when I came home from the retreat in Florida. I felt different. I felt like my DNA had shifted. I know that sounds kind of weird to say, but I felt different, I felt expansive, I had ideas, I had made new friends.
Brenda Winkle 00:05:31 I had challenged my perspectives. I had grown my perception. I had moved mountains of old grief and parts and healed things I didn't even know needed to be healed. And I came back feeling like a totally different person. And I was so excited to share this with people. And when I got back, no one was excited to hear about it. they were sort of like, yeah, you went to a retreat. Okay. And I was like, no, but you don't understand, like I have, I have seen the I have seen the mountain. I know what it looks like. And then I realized, oh, wait, I'm talking to people who want to be where they are. I'm talking to people who want to stay in education. Of course, they don't want to hear about my plot out of education, and I didn't openly name that to them. I just said I'd been to this retreat. It was really cool. And they were like, yeah, we don't really want to hear about it.
Brenda Winkle 00:06:30 And they didn't do that in a mean way or a disrespectful way. They were completely kind, but they really didn't want to hear about it. And it took me a long time to unpack why it was because I was triggering them. I was triggering them because I was willing to do something different, to make myself happy, to follow my path, to light my life up with joy. I was willing to do something different. I was willing to do something really uncomfortable. And two things happened. One is I realized that I was not going to be able to share this journey with them because they were in a different place, and I respected that completely. And then the second thing that happened was I realized subtle ways, because I was in a new school that year, so these were new friends. I realized subtle ways that I had been making myself smaller after every time I had an expansive experience because I was scared of losing connection. But because these were new friends, and because I thought there was a 5050 chance I was going to get transferred to a new school anyway, I decided to really let myself feel into it, really look at what was happening.
Brenda Winkle 00:07:48 And ultimately I didn't even go back. I didn't I didn't go back for a second school year in that district. It was just a one and done. And, so it really changed how I look at things. And it really gave me an experience of what it's like if you allow yourself to expand. Because I hadn't before I had attended retreats, I had attended trainings, and they had felt equally life changing, but I hadn't let myself fully evolve into any of those versions because I was scared of losing connection. I was scared of not being friends with the same people. I was scared of people rejecting me or abandoning me or thinking I was weird and I let it stop me. And so when I say that, I understand how scary it can be to grow and let yourself realize that your relationships are shifting. I really do understand, and I want to say, before we get going any further, it is true sometimes growth does mean you will lose relationships. But the question I would ask you is if growing is going to cost you that relationship, is that person really interested in your best interest? And you and I both know the answer is no.
Brenda Winkle 00:09:18 So if we lose people in our growth, then they have served their purpose. And I like to think about three kinds of friends. The friends that are there for a short time, you know, the friends that maybe you make in a course or in a class or at a retreat, and you have this really intense experience with them, and you really have a lot of fondness for each other. And you can always reference that, but you don't necessarily do your daily life with them. Then there are friends that are friends for a season. They're that short time friend. Maybe it's when your kids are in school and you're all on the the choir parent bench together, so to speak, and so you, you attend the same events together. You make friends with those parents. There are relationships like that. And then there are also friends that are seasonal because of your season of life. Like I know that my friends that I've had over the years, not all of them have stuck. You know, the different people that I've met in Reiki or in breathwork, but I still hold a fondness for them.
Brenda Winkle 00:10:32 And then there are friends that are those lifetime friends or relationships that are a lifetime relationships, and those are the ones that we're really going to be talking about today, those lifetime relationships or the relationships that you hope will last a lifetime. Deep friendships like best friends. Relationships with your kids. Relationships with your partner. Relationships with your parents. Those are the ones that most often keep people in a holding pattern because we care. And if you're deeply compassionate, deeply empathic, and have big feelings, this is a thing. So inside the spiritual CEO membership last week, I was talking about signs that you might be making yourself emotionally responsible for people feeling like you have to greet everyone in every setting. Like make sure they're all okay. Feeling like you have to respond to every text, email, phone call today, feeling like you want to explain yourself, or conversely, feeling like you can't explain yourself to anyone because no one will understand. Feeling like you have to manage other people's emotional experiences, like you want them to have a good time, or I don't want to share that because she'll be upset when I talk about that, or she'll be mad if I say that or I don't want them to feel.
Brenda Winkle 00:11:54 Those are all signs that you're making yourself emotionally responsible for people. And there's a really specific reason that this is happening. If you have deep empathy, it's because you can feel it in your body. You feel their emotions as though it's almost your own. It affects you that much. So we're not talking about like a codependency thing here. If if we were, then I would refer you out to a therapist. I am not a therapist. Nothing I offer is therapy, and nothing on the podcast or in any of my programs should serve as a replacement for your professional mental or mental health or medical care. Because I'm not a therapist. I am a somatic coach, a trauma informed somatic coach, breathwork facilitator, Reiki master teacher, and I have a master's degree in educational leadership. So I understand leadership dynamics and I understand energy and I understand semantics. And so everything that I say comes from that lens. And I just like being really clear about that. I really value transparency. And so I try to also give that transparency.
Brenda Winkle 00:13:08 So when we're thinking about you being emotionally responsible for people, that is separate from any kind of codependence and here's the tell, if you're truly codependent, according to me, you're going to find those patterns in every relationship of your life. If this is an empathy issue, you're going to find it in a couple key relationships in your life. Probably those long time lifetime relationships your partner, your best friend, your kids, your parents. And those are the relationships that you fear losing connection on. And those are the relationships that if you aren't doing some specific things, they can keep you stuck where you are. And that's the last thing those people would probably want for you. And if it's not the last thing that they would want for you, then we have other issues to talk about, right? So when you think about going to something really expansive, a retreat, a class, something you're excited about, a conference, and then you go home and you're trying to remember how it felt to be really expanded and positive, and you know what to do, and you know, the actions to take.
Brenda Winkle 00:14:23 And it feels crystal clear. And then you get home and you're like, still crystal clear for a little bit of time. And then As time moves on. Maybe the hours pass, maybe the days pass. All of a sudden you kind of do a little turtle move, and by turtle move, I mean you stuck your head out at the conference or the retreat or the event or the class, and now you're kind of going back into the shell, you're going back into old patterns, you're going back into old ways of doing things, even though now you know, a different way, you know a better way. You're still doing it the old way. And there's so much love for this. Because if you are worried about your relationships, of course you're not going to do anything to intentionally jeopardize your relationships, whether it's with your partner, your kids, your parents, your siblings, your friends, you care about them. You're deeply caring person. So how do you begin to allow yourself to expand in the ways you want to expand, grow in the ways you want to grow and stay in relationship.
Brenda Winkle 00:15:36 Well, that's a conversation that we're going to be having together inside of the free masterclass, when you know exactly what to do but you don't. It's going to be live on April 7th at 10 a.m. Pacific, and you could register at the link in the show notes or in the link below. And or you can go to Brandon Winkle. Com. We're going to be talking about the number one sign that you're giving away your power. And it's going to be something you could recognize. Because here's the thing. All of this is not something you can think your way out of. You cannot mindset your way past this. You need somatic processing because what's happening is your body. Your nervous system is reading the changes that are potential in the relationships as a threat. And because your body, your nervous system is reading it as a threat, your body is bringing a stress response online fight, flight, freeze, or fun. So that's going to manifest differently depending on what stress response your unique body decides it's going to bring online.
Brenda Winkle 00:16:54 But let's say, for example, if you suddenly come home, you don't suddenly come home. But if you come home and and you are getting ready to do something new that you learned at your conference, or you learned at your retreat, or you learned in the class, so you learned in the book, and then you're sort of like, wait, I don't remember exactly how to do that. And you know that you've gone back and you can even see in your own journaling or in your own social media posts that you've gone back, but you honestly can't remember that, my friend, is flight. That's a flight response where you can't remember. Or it could be. It could also be the freeze where you like freeze. You can't think, you can't remember. You just stay frozen in time. Or let's say this, maybe you get home from that event or that conference, that retreat, and you get ready to go do the things that you just learned how to do, and suddenly you couldn't possibly fit in the time to do those things because your schedule's just so busy.
Brenda Winkle 00:17:59 That, my friend, is a fight response. That's literally your body saying, oh no, this is too big of threat. We cannot possibly take action in this way. We can't do it. And so your nervous system is going to stop your progress, which is why this is not a mindset issue. This is not an intelligence issue. This is not something you can think your way out of or even talk your way out of, because it's in the body. We have to get the body on board. We have to let the body help us. By teaching the body it is safe to expand. And that is what we're going to be talking about in the free master class. We're going to talk about the actual somatic processes you can use to teach your body that it's safe to expand. And when we think about identity evolution, identity evolution can only happen when your body feels safe enough to expand. Because if your body, your nervous system reads any type of expansion as a threat, a threat to your actual safety, a threat to your livelihood, a threat to your relationships, of course you're going to self-sabotage.
Brenda Winkle 00:19:15 Of course you're going to forget what to do. Of course you're not going to show up for yourself. Why would you? The stakes are too high. That's what we're talking about in the master class. We're talking about getting out of that loop, how to move beyond that loop so that what you can have the actual tools in place to start to manage this on your own. Now I want to set the stage in a really transparent way. This is a lifetime work. This isn't you coming to a 60 minute class and never having this issue again. I don't want to set that as the as the standard, because that would be a lie. And anybody who tells you that you you can come to a 60 minute workshop and be like cured forever from stress response is also lying, by the way, because your body is a complex being and nervous systems and subconscious is complex and it is very much like an onion. So today I was in a session with my coach and we were talking about going back to Madison.
Brenda Winkle 00:20:30 I'm headed to Madison. Well, actually, by the time you listen to this episode, I'll be in Madison. And we were talking about, you know, working through things and what was I expecting? And I was like, well, you know, it's always upcycling. I'm always upcycling. Meaning I might come around to an issue that I've already handled in my own nervous system. But I know that my perspective has changed because I'm upcycling. I'm coming around the cycle in a new way from a higher vantage point. And so that happens when we do nervous system work that you'll be able to upcycle in the process so that you'll come at it from a new perspective, which means you'll process through it more quickly with more awareness, because you catch yourself sooner. So you can expect this 60 minute masterclass to give you some really tangible tools. And I'm going to teach you the number one way that your body is telling you that you're giving away your power. It's a game changer, and you're going to leave with tangible tools that you can put into place so that you will know exactly a three step process to interrupt this when it happens to you.
Brenda Winkle 00:21:42 Because the truth is, you're always, I hope, going to be growing and evolving and expanding. I mean, I think about even the foods that I have that I recently buy, like sometimes the brands I am involved with change. Sometimes I want this brand because it has, you know, these values, or I want this brand because it has this health thing or we're always growing, involving. And I know if you're interested in this podcast, if you keep listening, you're definitely someone who loves to learn. And that brings me to the next thing. If you are someone who loves to learn, and you're in any type of situation where you're noticing that you're over prioritizing other people's emotions over your own experiences, let's say you're overly available for your kid when they call from college, or you're overly available to change your plans at the last minute when your mom calls, or you're overly available to take feedback from your partner who knows nothing about the business or the industry that you're in. If any of those things are happening, I really want you to come to this masterclass because we're going to be talking about what to do when that happens, because that is part of what's happening in the relationship crunch.
Brenda Winkle 00:23:09 And there's something else. What was it? And if you're someone who loves learning, I'm going to ask you on that day of the masterclass. Or if you watch the replay, there is a limited time replay. You'll have three days to watch it. I'm going to ask you to do something on the day of the masterclass. I'm going to ask you to not consume other content that day. That's not going to be a day that you do a deep dive into four different podcasts and two different summits. That's going to be a day that I'm going to ask you to focus on the masterclass, because you are consuming a lot of information. And by the way, did you know that over consuming information is part of the flight response? Yeah, it's actually a stress response when you keep signing up for more information, you keep signing up for more perspectives. And if you get into the pattern of over consuming, have grace with yourself. But understand that's a stress response. So the day of the masterclass, I'm going to ask you not to consume a bunch of other content because it's going to confuse you.
Brenda Winkle 00:24:25 It's going to confuse the content, and you're not going to get the same outcome. I'm not saying I'm the only mentor out there for you. I'm not. But that day, give me your undivided attention and I'm going to make it worth your while. It's a free masterclass, so come check it out. It's the first one I've taught since November. I stopped teaching free masterclasses for quite a while, so I'm really excited about it. DM me over on Instagram if you have any questions and if this episode has been helpful for you, would you please consider sharing it with someone that you care about? And if you haven't left the podcast or rating and review, please go do that right now. Thanks so much for listening and think of me in Wisconsin this week. I'll be there and taking care of my mom after her hip replacement surgery. And that brings me to one more thing for identity that I really want to make sure I say before we leave today. There was a time when I would have put my entire day on hold for her surgery, even though I'm like 2000 miles away.
Brenda Winkle 00:25:32 Today was not that day. Today I took care of myself. I made sure I was completely available during her surgery, but I also had a session with my coach. I went to acupuncture. I got groceries for myself, I connected with a friend, and I even took a nap because I know that I'm going to need to be my best self when I get to Madison to help with her care. So I hope you are also prioritizing yourself because it matters and you deserve it. All right, bye for now. Until next time.
