Brenda Winkle 00:00:01 Welcome to your yes filled life. I'm Brenda Winkle, energetic leadership guide, psychic, medium and somatic coach for ambitious leaders who know their gifts are real and who want to stand fully in them. Here you'll learn how to trust your intuition, embody your vision, and step into the freedom you've been creating, all without chasing more certifications or carrying stuff that does not belong to you. Every week, I'll share powerful practices and conversations with thought leaders and changemakers that help you transform your vision into embodied confidence. Claim your gifts without apology, and lead with both clarity and freedom. Because your gifts aren't cute. They are powerful. They're real, and they're needed. Start today by downloading my free energy audit at Brenda Winkle for audit. It's the exact tool I use to track what's fueling me and what's draining me. It will help you discern between that hit of achievement and true joy, so that you can lead with more clarity and impact. This is your space to stop proving, start embodying and live fully in your gifts.
Brenda Winkle 00:01:16 Welcome to your yes filled life. Hello and welcome to your yes filled life. I'm your host, Brenda Winkle. So have you ever been in the conversation where someone that you're speaking to becomes uncomfortable and suddenly you feel like it's your job to fix the situation and let them be less uncomfortable? Maybe somebody is upset. Maybe there's a little bit of tension or conflict in the conversation. Maybe somebody reacts strongly to something that you said, and before you even think about it, your attention shifts from what you were talking about, what you're saying to managing the emotions, managing the room, managing the conversation, taking the temperature. Maybe you start to soften your tone. Maybe you over explain or conversely, don't explain at all. In fact, just stop. You just stop talking about whatever it was you were talking about. And in any case, you adjust the conversation. You adjust either the direction or the tone. And a lot of times it feels like you're pushing yourself down, like you're making yourself a little bit less visible, and that you're trying to create a little bit of softness so that people aren't upset if this has ever happened to you.
Brenda Winkle 00:02:49 It's nothing wrong like nothing has gone wrong here. And you're not wrong. What's happening is you can feel the emotional shift in a room before anybody actually says anything because of the way that you attune or very likely over attune to the emotions in a room, to the emotions in conversation, to the emotions in the people with whom you have any type of relationship. And this is really where we're going to be talking about today. It's why do empathic women so often feel responsible for other people's emotional experiences? Now here's the thing. I want to kick it off with two things. One is I'm not a therapist or a psychologist or psychiatrist, and I don't pretend to be. I am an intuitive leadership guide. I have a master's degree in educational leadership. I am an advanced, certified, trauma informed somatic coach and breathwork facilitator. I am a Reiki Master and have been doing this work for 11 years. But I'm not a therapist and everything that I say on the podcast, in my groups, in my coaching is not therapy, and it's not intended to replace your professional mental health or medical care.
Brenda Winkle 00:04:10 And the second thing is empathy is not the problem. We need empathy. And you can just look around the world right now and know we need more empathy in the world. We need people like you who care deeply, who have this empathic ability, who have this deep compassion. Empathy is actually a leadership strength. Empathic people are able to read a room quickly. They're able to notice subtle emotional shifts, understand the things that aren't being spoken or said, that are definitely part of the dynamic. And empathic people are able to anticipate reactions, and that's part of why many empathic women become leaders, healers, teachers, executives, doctors, coaches. That same ability to read a room, to have that deep emotional intelligence can also create a false sense of responsibility. And here's the thing I really want to say. Noticing emotions is not the same thing as being responsible for them. You are not responsible for other people's emotional experiences. Now, when this pattern begins, there's usually two ways that it can begin.
Brenda Winkle 00:05:36 One is environmental and one is biological. And sometimes they converge in the middle somewhere. So if you are biologically an empath, it means that you have more neuro receptors or neurotransmitters in your brain, which lead you to have a sensitivity to watching facial expressions, micro expressions, micro changes in tone of voice, and you're literally more sensitive to the energy that is coming toward you. We know this from the work of Elaine Aaron, from her big study in 1999, and she's done several studies since, which actually solidifies this research. The other place that this can come from is if you learn to emotionally manage or emotionally temperature take in rooms because you are in a house that was either very chaotic or maybe abusive. A lot of moving parts, perhaps a lot of change. Maybe there was an element of unpredictable unpredictability. This can also create that emotional temperature, taking that emotional responsibility. And you know, if you think about it, we're also receiving messages from culture and society all the time. Think about when you were a kid, or maybe you've even said this and there's no judgment because we are part of the culture that we're a part of.
Brenda Winkle 00:07:00 But think about phrases like, well, we don't want them to feel bad. So maybe you want an award, or you got some kind of an accolade or a recognition when you were a child, and one of the first things you were told after receiving that award was, well, be humble because somebody else didn't win and we don't want them to feel bad. So not only do we have potentially a genetic predisposition to that, and maybe we have an environmental predisposition to that, but we're also overtly told that our success might make other people feel bad. We're told that stepping into new levels of identity might cause emotional pain to other people because, you know, there might be a loser. I remember in high school I was playing clarinet. I was a clarinetist all through junior high, high school and college. In fact, that was my major instrument. And I remember that there are chairs in a band. First chair is typically the highest level of skill. Second chair is the second highest level of skill, and then you could be a first chair or a second chair within the section, the first chair section.
Brenda Winkle 00:08:18 And then there might be a second chair section. So you might be first chair first meaning you're in the first chair section and you're also the highest level level of skill. Or you could be first chair second, meaning you're in the first chair section, the highest level of skill, but you're in the second chair. And so there's this hierarchy that happens. Right. And in that hierarchy a lot of times we are forced to compete for that type of hierarchy. And if we're also taught to manage emotions of people as we're competing, it can become really challenging for us to continue to grow and evolve and step into new identities, new identities that include bigger visibility, that include success, whether that is financial success or. Success of recognition or even success of living the life that you really want to live. All of those things can bring up these teachings that you had at a very early age about, well, don't make her feel bad, right? So sometimes empathic women learn early on that peace in the environment depends on you.
Brenda Winkle 00:09:31 So examples might be maybe you noticed tension between your parents and you made it your job to distract them when they were fighting. That would be one of the things that could lead to you feeling emotionally responsible. Maybe you noticed that there were different types of disagreements with your friend group, and you made it your job to be the peacekeeper and to smooth things over. Maybe depending on who was in your life and what their role role was, you learned to anticipate someone's mood. And so you had kind of a, well, if they're in this mood when I get home, then this if they're in this mood when I get home, then this, or maybe you were quote unquote, the mature one. All of those things can be really impactful in teaching you that you are emotionally responsible for other people. And so your nervous system, your subconscious, learned, if I manage the emotional environment, I can stay safe. And then once the nervous system and subconscious learn that now it becomes automatic, it's not even something you think about.
Brenda Winkle 00:10:45 It runs completely under the radar, in the subconscious, in your nervous system. And it's just something you do. And because it's just something you do and it's created this loop of safety, this pattern of, okay, this is how I maintain safety in my relationships. When you move away from that, it can feel really challenging. It can feel life threatening, literally life threatening, and it can put you into a stress response of fight, flight, freeze, or fun. Even just thinking about not emotionally managing the room. And so if you know that you have a tendency to do this and you've wondered why you can't stop, this is what's happening. There's literally a part of your nervous system that has been patterned to think, this is how I maintain my safety. Now here's how it can show up in adulthood. In meetings, you might notice that when someone gets defensive, you immediately adjust your tone and you back off of what you were saying in conversations. Let's say if you notice that somebody is reacting emotionally, you either change the subject immediately and stop the forward momentum of the conversation, or you suddenly start to justify your position.
Brenda Winkle 00:12:04 And maybe you even start to make them feel better, even if it means you change your position. In relationships, this might show up as someone's upset and you make sure it's your job to make them feel better. That might mean that you delay doing things for your own self-care to make them feel better. You might not go get that massage, you might cancel it at the last minute. Or maybe it means that you're going to take that phone call from that friend who always complains for you, even though that was your only 20 minute break today. Or maybe it means that you decide that you're just not going to share your life with the people around you anymore, because maybe it's safer not to. Because as you grow and evolve, it challenges them because they view your changing and evolving as a threat to the relationship. So you just decide not to share and not to show up. And when that happens. And that's very, very common, by the way, it can feel incredibly lonely because then you start to wonder, well, who can I share this with? And maybe that shows up as something really fun and good and exciting happens to you or happens for you.
Brenda Winkle 00:13:22 And it's something that is in this new phase of life. Maybe you had a job interview that made you feel really great, or maybe you had a a call with a potential client that made you feel so good and you were so excited and you're like, yes, this is absolutely the path I want to be on. And then you get ready to look through your contact list on your phone and you're like, well, who can I share this with? Because person A is going to try to talk me out of doing this. They don't support me at all. Person B doesn't get it and they just complain all the time. And person C well, they make it all about them. If that's ever happened to you, I want you to know right now there's nothing wrong with you. What's happening is there's a gap in the identity of who you're becoming and who you've been, and the gap is affecting relationships as it does. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the relationships, and it doesn't mean that you have to leave the relationships.
Brenda Winkle 00:14:20 Obviously, leaving a relationship is a choice, and there are certain circumstances when I would say it's probably appropriate to leave the relationship. If you're being continually mistreated or your boundaries are continually being violated or ignored. Then I would say maybe that is a sign that you should leave. Leave the relationship. But again, I'm not your therapist, so you'll want to talk that one over with your therapist. And then when we think about the identity shift, the identity shift can also lead to shifts that need to happen within relationships. And it's really uncomfortable and kind of awkward as you are moving into this next phase. Because probably what's happening is you're more attuned to your own energy, but you're still over attuned to theirs. You probably have a commitment to live a life that feels really good for you, to stay positive. To focus on growth and momentum. And that's really different from how maybe you used to show up or how that relationship dynamic worked. And so that creates an emotional experience where you become hyper aware of everyone else's emotions in the room where there's a subtle tension because you're not being fully yourself.
Brenda Winkle 00:15:39 You can feel it and you're slightly resentful, and you feel a little bit invisible and maybe mad that you can't be fully yourself. But there's something that kind of stops you. And so then you start to try to manage their reaction by predicting, what can I share? What can I not share? And then you go into the replaying conversations afterward, and then it just turns into this big cycle where before you know it, you're spending all your energy thinking about, okay, well, what happens if I say this? What plan? A plan B. Plan C I have to say it perfectly. And then how will I manage their reaction if this. Oh my gosh, all of that is exhausting and it's not helping you move forward. It's not supporting your new identity. But you already know that. You already know that or you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. So the moment that things start to change for most women is where the things that used to feel really good don't. Maybe that is ways that you used to spend your time or conversations that you used to have, or text chains that you used to be a part of, and you start thinking and feeling to yourself, I think I'm carrying things that aren't actually mine.
Brenda Winkle 00:16:56 Or maybe you think to yourself, I think I'm adjusting myself constantly to keep people comfortable. I don't want anyone to be too uncomfortable with my growth. I don't want them to say, well, who do you think you are, right? This often coincides with leadership growth, with identity shifts, and with personal evolution. And definitely this is going to create like some heaviness. And it feels really disorienting because you're not who you used to be. And you can't go back because it's like wearing too small a shoes. You just can't fit into that, but you're not yet who you are becoming. And so that's really an awkward phase in our emotional and identity evolution. So I want to introduce a shift, something that you can do. And it is creating awareness of someone's emotions without being responsible. Your empathy is actually more powerful when you stop trying to be responsible for other people's emotions. And the reason is you're giving them the dignity of their own experience. When you stop taking responsibility for everybody's emotions, for everybody's happiness, for everybody's experiences and everything, all of a sudden you give them their own responsibility back.
Brenda Winkle 00:18:25 They start to live a life where they have more autonomy and they're learning from their experiences, and that creates more dignity for them. It will not be entirely comfortable for you or for them. I guarantee you it won't be. But this is really the power move. Because when empathy moves from emotional responsibility to emotional awareness, there's a massive leadership change that can occur because you stop managing reactions and you start staying anchored in yourself. So I have created a framework called the Power Method, and I've talked about it on the podcast and I even hosted a whole retreat around it, but I've been introducing it in my client work for the last year and a half, and it really makes a difference. So this is a five pillar framework called the power method. Each letter of the word power stands for something the P stands for presents the O optimize the W wisdom, the e evaluate the R renew. This is the exact framework that I personally use. And then I teach to my clients to help people stay anchored when that relational pressure appears as we're moving into a new phase of leadership.
Brenda Winkle 00:19:46 So if you've ever felt like you were responsible for everyone's emotional experience in a room, I want you to know you're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. This pattern is incredibly common among thoughtful, empathic, highly compassionate people, especially women, because we're socialized to it. We may have the genetic predisposition to it, and we may have the environmental background that led us into thinking this is the way that we needed to be in the world. But once you begin to understand this shift, everything changes. It's like it's like you have taken off a £45 backpack off of your back. You can move more easily, you can breathe more easily. You can finally exhale. And I'm so excited to introduce a brand new masterclass called How to Stop Apologizing for Your Next Level. Because the moment when empathic women begin to release emotional responsibility is the same moment that they begin to step into that next level of leadership. So how to stop Apologizing for Your Next Level is a live, 60 minute masterclass that I'll host on Tuesday, April 7th at 10 a.m. Pacific.
Brenda Winkle 00:21:04 You can register at the link in the show notes, or if you're someone who likes to listen and then go to the link, it's at Brenda Winkle level. That's Brenda Winkle for. The next level. I'm so excited about this masterclass because I haven't taught any masterclass publicly since November of 2025, which, if you've been with me for a while, you know, I was teaching 1 to 2 master classes a month. So I've been working on this one for a long time, and I'm so excited to share it with you. It's free because I think this is something that we need in this time, in this place, especially in the United States, but all over the world where we're able to step into our leadership as empathic and compassionate people. You don't have to watch more than five minutes of any news cycle to know that we need more empathy and compassion in the world, in our leadership. And I believe that's you. I really believe that is you and me. And so I want you to come to this masterclass.
Brenda Winkle 00:22:09 It is free. It is a value packed masterclass. This is not a bait and switch. Or you're going to get five minutes of information and then 45 minutes of a pitch. No, this is a value packed masterclass where I'm going to introduce you to the power method. Really dive into the first three parts of the power method, and then I'm going to show you how you could continue to work with me in a brand new program that I'll be launching in April, but that is not the leading factor. The leading factor is I want you to stop apologizing for your next level. So this masterclass will absolutely do that. So go check it out, get registered, save your spot. There are a limited number of seats at this masterclass, so you'll want to get registered now the next time you notice someone having an emotional reaction to a conversation with you, I would invite you to ask yourself two questions. One is, is this mine to carry? Am I responsible for this? Or is this just something I'm noticing in my responsible for this? Or is this something I'm noticing? That question alone is going to begin to change that pattern for you.
Brenda Winkle 00:23:25 Thank you. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We're moving into the next phase of leadership evolution, intuitive development and empathy management in the podcast. So if you're not yet subscribed wherever you're listening, go subscribe right now. And I just have to say thank you. There are so many places you could be listening or watching right now, and it means a lot that you're here. Thank you, I appreciate you. If you've enjoyed this, would you please consider sharing the episode with someone that you care about and leaving the podcast, your rating and review wherever you're listening. Thanks for being here. Bye for now.
