Brenda 00:00:00 Welcome to your yes filled life. I'm Brenda Winkle, an intuitive leadership coach and somatic guide for high performers, high achievers who want more freedom, ease, joy and energy. You are a visionary, leader driven, intuitive and ready for more more flow in your work, more presence and joy in your life and relationships. More trust in yourself and the decisions you make every day. Here we explore the intersection of intuition, leadership, and energetic sovereignty, blending practical strategy with energetic alignment so you can create success that feels deeply fulfilling at work, at home, in your relationships, and in your own well-being, you'll hear inspiring stories, practical strategies, and high level conversations designed to help you integrate the woo into your daily life. Because when your energy is aligned, everything flows ready to elevate how you lead and live. Start by downloading my free Energy Audit at. Audit and discover what's fueling or depleting you. Let's do this. Your yes filled life starts now. Okay, so you've built this beautiful life and your successful career.
Brenda 00:01:23 Powerful presence and a calendar full of responsibilities that once lit you up. But lately, something has made it feel just a little bit heavier. So let me ask you something. What if this was your moment to soften into a new way of leading? I'm Brenda Winkle, a psychic medium, somatic coach, and intuitive guide, and I work privately with high achieving women who are ready to trust themselves more deeply, to reclaim their energy and lead from the inside out. In our one on one coaching. Together, you'll experience the kind of support that's both deeply spiritual and highly strategic. I'll bring my psychic gifts, mediumship and somatic tools to help you move through emotional residue. To help you get really clear on what matters most to you. To help you clear your energetic field and lead in a way that feels powerful, precise, and completely aligned with who you really are. Leadership can feel really lonely, but it doesn't have to. This isn't about doing more. It's about being more you. If you've been craving personalized support, intuitive insight, and energetic sovereignty, this is your invitation.
Brenda 00:02:38 Go to brighton.com to learn more. Because your yes filled life. It starts the moment you say yes to yourself. Welcome to your yes filled life. I'm your host, Brenda Winkle. Today we're going to be talking about boundaries for empaths. We'll talk about the signs that you might be an empath, what it's like to live as an empath, how to make sure you know if you are an empath signs you're not an empath. And then we're going to talk about boundaries specific to empaths. So if you have big feelings, if you have been told you're too sensitive or you're too much or you're making a big deal out of nothing, this episode is for you. So let's talk about what is an empath. Well, in my terms, like according to Brenda, an empath is somebody who is so tuned in to other people's emotions and energy and expressions that they actually experience those things inside their own bodies. So, for example, for me, if somebody is angry, I will feel anger inside my body if I am not, setting up appropriate boundaries, which is what we're going to be talking about later in the episode.
Brenda 00:03:58 So I will not only be aware of and tuned into the emotion that someone is experiencing, but I'm capable of actually feeling it inside. It's inside. It's my own body, like it's my own emotion. So one of the things that sometimes people get a little bit confused is when somebody is highly sensitive as like a sensory processing disorder, those two things are not the same. A sensory processing disorder is where you have difficulty sensing and feeling certain sensory input. So you might need either more or less sensation, depending on how it works for you in order to feel, neutral, to feel like your nervous system has been regulated. We're not talking about sensory processing disorder. We're talking about being highly sensitive. So there was a researcher back in the 90s, in 1991 named Elaine Aaron, and the actual paper is listed as Aaron and Aaron, where she studied highly sensitive people. In fact, she's responsible for the term highly sensitive people. She's a researcher, and she determined in this research that about 20% of the population is highly sensitive, meaning they have more neuro receptors and neurotransmitters in the brain, which literally make them more sensitive.
Brenda 00:05:24 Now, she also discovered in this same research paper that there was about 20% of the 20% of people. So not the whole bunch, right? This is just like 20% of the 20% that is also empath. Now the empath is able to read microexpressions and facial expressions. They're able to feel and sense emotions and they can measure it in brain scans that the emotions that release certain chemicals and certain hormones are actually present in the empath, which is really cool. So this is not something that we're just making up, although we hear the term misused all the time in, you know, just in regular culture, this there's actually science to back that. You might be an empath because of these biological markers. Now there's also research to suggest that if you are raised in a highly chaotic or abusive or traumatic environment, that you can also become an empath because you need those skills in order to survive. And so there are, you know, I think they term them codependent empaths. And that would be an empath raised in an abusive home with perhaps a narcissistic parent, or maybe just one or the other.
Brenda 00:06:50 And it doesn't have to necessarily be a parent. It just needs to be a parental impactor. So it could be an uncle, a grandfather that had those narcissistic traits or abusive traits that caused the individual to need to develop some sensitivities in order to cope and remain safe. And so it doesn't really matter too much when we talk about setting boundaries, which kind of an empath you might be. But there are distinctions, and I'll name them as we go, because the there might be just some subtle differences in the process of how we set boundaries. Depending on which one of these empaths you most identify with. Now, one of the things that I hear people get wrong all the time is they'll mix up highly sensitive people with people who have sensory processing disorders. Now, a processing disorder is something that would be probably identified in childhood, not necessarily, but probably in childhood, and it would be difficult. Difficulty in sensing or processing sensory input. So that would be difficult. it could be needing additional stimulation to sort of close the circuit in your brain.
Brenda 00:08:11 And so people with sensory processing disorder might enjoy what I used to call in my special education classrooms, the squeezes. And so there are some kids, especially kids who live with autism, that really feel good when somebody just puts gentle squeezes all up and down their arms. And the squeezes can help connect the circuit in a sensory processing disorder. We are not talking about sensory processing disorders. We're talking about being highly sensitive. Meaning you have more sensory input because of the additional neuro receptors and neurotransmitters in your brain. And then you have the additional markers as an empath. Now, I know I'm talking in circles just a little bit here, but I want to make sure that I really tease out the differences between having a sensory processing disorder, being highly sensitive, and being an empath because they're not the same things. Now, an interesting thing is when we start talking about intuition, does intuition run through all of the different types of empaths in the same way? And my answer is it depends. Each and every one of us have access to intuition in our own unique ways.
Brenda 00:09:31 And each of us access our intuition using our own unique map. And so it really depends on if you've ever been taught to study your own map and follow your own mapped intuition, whether or not you access it, because I believe everyone can access intuition. It's just a matter of being taught how it comes in for you, and it's not even being taught how it comes in for you. As much as letting you know that, hey, that sensation that you get that's part of your intuition. That sound that you hear, that's part of your intuition. And so sometimes we pretend that things don't matter, that they're insignificant, that we're making it up. It's our imagination when actually it's our intuition talking. But you know what? That's for another podcast episode. The thing that makes setting boundaries so hard as an empath is that you're feeling at least two emotions, and they might be conflicting, and they're inside your body at the same time. You're feeling your own emotions around needing to set the boundary, having a desire for more autonomy, more independence, higher standards, being treated in a certain way, having your things treated in a certain way, and then you're also feeling or sensing the other person's response to setting your boundary.
Brenda 00:10:47 So if you haven't ever set energetic boundaries, setting physical boundaries or boundaries around space or time or even your body might be really, really challenging. And so the very first place that we want to start when we talk about boundaries for empaths is we want to start by teaching you to set energetic boundaries so that you're taking on less emotion and energy from other people. So here are some signs that you might need to set some energetic boundaries when you get ready to set a boundary. You immediately feel the other person's disappointment in your own body so acutely that it stops you from setting the boundary, or you set the boundary, and then you feel their disappointment. And so you roll it back and you're just like, you know what? Never mind. And then you are beating yourself up later because you set the boundary and you had it set and you knew it was set, and you felt kind of proud of it. But then when the other person felt their disappointment, you also felt that disappointment. And so then you rolled it back.
Brenda 00:11:56 And so then there's like this little dance that begins where you're, you know, you're capable of setting the boundary, but then you don't enforce it. And so negative self-talk begins. And then you say things to yourself like, why can't I do this? And you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you. And I just want to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. You're not broken and you don't need to be fixed. You just need to set an energetic boundary. So let's start there. This is the number one thing I want you to do. I want you to zip up your energetic field. So you're going to start at the base of your spine, like right by your pubic bone. And you're going to make a zipping motion up over the top of your head, and you're going to repeat that three times. Now on the table of podcast episode two, which is my my other brand new podcast. I'm talking about how to protect your energy and if any of this is really hitting you.
Brenda 00:12:56 Invitation to go have a listen to that episode, because I really unpack exactly how to create energetic protection with nuances where you might have a different level of protection for a big event, like a concert or going to the mall, and you might have a different level of protection for, let's say, a dear friend or a partner. But zipping up is where you where I really, really, really, really want you to start. So you're going to zip up your energy. And then the next thing is, once you zip up your energy, you're going to be aware that you still have all the information about the emotions and energy from the other person, but you don't feel it in your own system. And that's where the transformation can really begin. So that's step one. You must protect your own energy as an empath. And then step two is we want to determine what are your standards. If you're not clear on what your standards are, it becomes very difficult for you to set the boundaries because it's hard to articulate, especially when you could feel the emotions of the people who are being disappointed by you setting your boundaries.
Brenda 00:14:10 Now, let's let's unpack that just for a second here. Anybody who's disappointed by your boundaries or upset or angry about your boundaries has been benefiting from you not having those boundaries set. I'm going to say that again. Anyone upset with you about setting a boundary has been benefiting from you not setting that boundary. So we want to really look at things through that lens. It doesn't mean that you're bad or wrong for wanting to set the boundary, if anything. It's more evidence that you actually need that boundary. So when you do your standards and when I say do your standards, I mean like get out a journal and just write like what is your standard for how you want to live? What do you want your house to look like? How clean do you want it to be? How organized do you want it to be? Same thing with your car. Do you like your car squeaky clean? Do you care if maybe there's a few, you know, a few things of trash in the floorboard? Whatever you feel is your standard.
Brenda 00:15:09 Write it down. Write your standard address. Like how do you want to dress when you're in home or when you're at home alone? How do you want to dress when you leave the house? Does your standard change? How will you wear your hair? How will you wear your makeup? Will you wear makeup? All of those things are part of your standards. How do you want to be treated? What do you want your lifestyle to be like. How much do you want to exercise? How do you want to eat? All of those things go into your standard and in your yes, field life. In the beginning modules, we unpack that. We really do a deep dive into talking about what are our standards. Because from your standards, then you can go through that list and then you can add to that. You can add things that are okay with you and not okay with you. And then you can add your preferences, and then you can add your dealbreakers, and then you can add your desires.
Brenda 00:16:05 And once you get really clear on your standards, your preferences, your okay, not okay list and your desires and your dealbreakers, it becomes really easy for you to articulate well. Easy might be a bit of an overstatement, but it becomes so much clearer because you know what your standard is. So like, for example, when I was in college, I did not have a standard for how clean I wanted my car to be, and it was common that I would have the whole back seat floorboard filled with garbage. I'm not proud of that, but that is the truth. My standard changed, and now I like my car to be pretty picked up, and so there's not very often more than one handful of trash at any given time inside my car because I set that standard. I want my car to be clean now. Is there dog hair everywhere? Yes. Yes, there is dog hair everywhere because my dog goes with me almost everywhere. And so I just have stuff to clean off the the dashboard inside the car because I like to keep my car clean.
Brenda 00:17:08 It's a standard. Another standard that I have for myself is, related to clothes. One year when I was a very young teacher, I was like, maybe a second year teacher. So this would have been like in 1997. It would have been a long time ago. One time I went to school in this shirt, and the shirt was a button up shirt, which I liked okay enough, but it. I didn't like the pattern. It was a white shirt and it had dark red and dark red flowers with like black branches and then green leaves. And I'm not much of a one to wear patterns. And I didn't love this pattern. I liked the cut of the shirt, okay, which is why I bought it. But I didn't love the pattern. And I remember thinking in the morning, you know, it's good enough, it's good enough. And then I got to school because I was a teacher back then and I got to school and I had forgotten it was school picture day.
Brenda 00:18:11 And so as a teacher, you also have to get your school picture taken because you are going to be included on, like every yearbook, every class picture like of the people of that year. So guess what I got to look at for a year? And guess what got in every student's yearbook? A picture of me and that shirt. I decided then and there that if I didn't like a piece of clothing well enough to be in a picture in that piece of clothing and have to look at it for at least a year, I was not going to wear it. And I have maintained that standard ever since. And so my at home casual wear is still pretty put together because of my standard, which is if I wouldn't be caught in a picture in it, I don't wear it. Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to do it differently. That's just my personal standard. So if you've ever spent time with me, you know, like at a retreat or something. I do dress casually.
Brenda 00:19:10 I love sweatpants, I love leggings, I love sweatshirts, I love all those things. But mine are pretty nice and they're put together. And if they get to where they're not nice or they're ragged, I get rid of them because of that standard. So think about your standards. What do you want them to be? and any given topic really. Spend some time journaling and doing a deep dive into your standards because then you can create your okay, not okay list from that and your dealbreakers from that. And once you get clear on those, then it becomes a no brainer for you to say, hey, this is my standard. Now, one of the things about boundaries that is sort of like a a myth is that we often think about boundaries when we're beginning. We think that there are about other people. In my experience, that's very rarely true. The boundaries are always about us. They're always about our ability to say, I want to be treated this way. I want to live this way.
Brenda 00:20:14 I want to feel this way. And then it's about communicating that to other people. And in many cases, hopefully your loved ones will say, oh, of course, if that's what you really want and that's what makes you feel good. Let's see if we can make that happen. And in some cases there's negotiations or compromises that happen and that's okay. But the thing we don't want to happen is we don't want a loved one to step on a deal breaker, because that will lead to resentment, which leads to contempt, which can lead to the end of relationships. So it's very, very important for you to begin to communicate these things. And also, I don't want to make it bad or wrong if a relationship does end, because sometimes as you do this work and you really dig into your standards, you realize that a particular relationship is not meeting your standard. And that's okay. It just means that you've grown into different directions. It doesn't make them bad or wrong doesn't make you wrong. It just means you've grown apart.
Brenda 00:21:17 So standards. That's really where I would invite you to start. And if you want support on this, this is something I can support you in, in my one on one coaching. This is this is frequently an area of conversation. So as you get ready to come up with your list of standards okay not okay. Deal breakers, preferences, desires. Once you get that list whittled down, because at first you're going to have like 700 things on the list and you're going to be like, I can't possibly have all these things on my list. Yeah, you can. You should like, seriously think of as many things as you possibly can and then whittle it down until you can kind of group some things under different umbrellas, and then you'll realize, oh, it's not actually as many things as I thought. It's just I want to feel this way in my home. I want to feel this way in my career. I want to feel this way in my relationships, so on and so forth.
Brenda 00:22:14 And then once you get to your dealbreakers and your desires, this is really important. So if you're multitasking, come back to me right now. Once you get to your dealbreakers and your desires, I'm going to invite you to do a five level of Y activity, and you're going to list your, let's just say, a deal breaker. This particular thing is a deal breaker for me. So I'll give you an example for me. For me. I am currently seeking romantic partnership, and if I met somebody who I liked and they checked every box but they smoked, that would be a deal breaker for me. That's a deal breaker. So once you get your list of deal breakers, for every deal breaker, you're going to go to five levels of why. Why is it a deal breaker? Because and then you're going to you're going to answer the question. So let me just take you through mine. So smoking is a deal breaker for me because I used to smoke and I don't want to smoke again.
Brenda 00:23:28 And now I'm going to take another level of why. So that's one we're going to get to five. So the reason that I don't want to smoke anymore is because I really value longevity, and I want to live into old, old age with as much vitality and youth as I possibly can. And the reason that I want to live with much as much vitality and youth as I can. I'm in the third level of why right here is because I really want to live fully. I want to experience life. And the reason that I want to experience life is, is my forced fourth level of why is because I have seen so many people in old age sit in chairs and feel like they're watching their life go by, like their best years are behind them. And it breaks my heart. I want to feel like I'm still living. And the reason that I want to feel like I'm still living is I feel like as long as I'm on this planet, I have something to contribute and I want to contribute as fully as I can.
Brenda 00:24:34 So if we take it from the beginning to the end, smoking is a deal breaker for me because it threatens my ability to contribute as fully as I can into old age. Did you see what I did there? So you're going to do that with every one of your deal breakers, and then you're going to do the same thing with your desires. So you can get really, really, really clear on why it is that you desire, what you desire. And the benefit in doing this is one, you know exactly why something is on your heart and the way that it is. And two, you're able to communicate it so much more easily. So like one of my deepest desires is to travel. I love to travel. And the reason. So now we're going to get into five levels of why here. The reason I love travel is I love to experience different cultures and different places. And the reason that I love to experience different cultures and different places is I feel like I learned something about myself.
Brenda 00:25:35 When I learn something about a different culture or a different place. And the reason I like learning about myself is that I feel like when I learn more about myself, I can show up more fully for myself and for the people that I love. And the reason that it's important for me to show up fully for the people that I love is because I don't want anyone to ever feel let down by me, and I want to fully contribute and live with the people that I love and make memories until, like, we're done living on this planet. And the reason that I want to Really contribute and live as fully as I can until we're done living on this planet is I just want to make the absolute most of my time here on this planet. And so I want to travel because I want to make the most of my time here on the planet. I just want to explore like it's really part of my my inner value is I feel like I become a better person every single time I travel. And so can you see how I'm doing this with five levels of Y? So do this for your desires for your dealbreakers.
Brenda 00:26:44 They can be totally different than mine. In fact, they probably are. But do your five levels of why? It will take time and it will kind of surprise you. It will kind of surprise you. So when I did the five levels of why around why I really wanted to have this business, your yes filled life and why I wanted to offer psychic readings and group coaching and private coaching and Reiki training when I got really clear on my five levels of why, it's because I believe everyone on this planet has something special to contribute, and I know that it's part of my life mission to help you feel safer to do that. That's my five levels of why. And it just makes it so clear for me. So when I have an off day, I'm like, but remember the why. Remember why. And when you do this for yourself, you're going to have the same impact on yourself. You're going to be like, oh yeah, I remember. This is why. This is why I do that thing.
Brenda 00:27:51 Okay, so we've talked about zipping up your energy so that you can create that sovereignty so that you're not taking on other people's emotions inside your body. We've talked about why it's difficult to set boundaries and ways to make it easier. Starting with creating your own standards and then from creating your own standards, we've talked about creating your own preferences. Okay, not okay desires and dealbreaker lists. And then we talked about the five levels of why getting really to the heart of the matter, about why something is either a dealbreaker to you or very, very important and desirable for you. So the next step is you got to monitor your energy. Because if you're not paying attention to what's happening with your energy, you can be on the wrong track and not actually know it. But your energy, your emotions, whether or not you're feeling good. It's like the game of hotter and colder. If you're feeling good, it's the universe's way of saying, yes, this is this is a line for me. More of this, please.
Brenda 00:28:54 And so you can just follow and trust those good feelings. And when something feels bad, that's also the universe's way of saying maybe that's not the direction you should be going, or maybe it's your way of saying, yeah, that's not for me. So tracking and paying attention to your energy is really essential. So if I was going to give you two action steps today. One would be zip up every day. In fact, set a timer in your phone to remind yourself to do it every morning and to track your energy. Pay attention to how you're feeling, because the energy that you're tracking is also going to inform, oh, I might need a boundary there, and then you can go back and do all the inner work we talked about with like standards, deal breakers, okay, not okay, and so forth. But really what we're talking about here is two things. ZIP up track your energy. Yep. Just two things. All the internal stuff. The standards. That's important. But you just do it once.
Brenda 00:29:48 Right. But what I'm talking about do things every day. You're going to zip up, you're going to track your energy. So you need a tool to track your energy if you do. I have one for you. It's on the website. It's Brenda Winkle Audit and that one is a printable. And so you can print it and you can do that. So if that's your jam Go grab that. If you prefer a digital copy. I've got one there too. So that digital copy is not going to be as easy to print. And so because it's got drop down arrows and so forth. So you'll almost need to print it after you complete it. Now how do you use an energy audit? Well, think of it like just you're going to audit something in time so you could do it for a day or for a week and just notice how you're feeling. Are you feeling really good? Are you feeling energized or are you feeling drained and depleted? And then the energy audit also has some ways for you to categorize.
Brenda 00:30:45 Is this something I have to do? Is it necessary or is it something that maybe I can offload. And so it'll invite you to think about ways that you can shift things just for your own energy. So go grab that audit. And then I also want to tell you about the Chakra Master class, which is currently live right now. We're live May 20th 2122 and you can learn more and register at Brenda winkle.com forward slash. I have decided that I am going to offer a replay. So if you didn't get to catch the live you can buy the replay. And so the replay will be available at the same website as the masterclass which is Brendan winkle.com/chakra. And I will put that link in the show notes so that you can go access it. Or if you happen to listen to this while we're still alive, come join us. I'd love to have you there. It'd be so fun. And then there's something really special coming soon. It is the self-care and self-healing bundle. And I'm going to be offering Reiki one breathwork for self and the theta healing meditation technique for yourself.
Brenda 00:31:58 So I'll teach you how to meditate, and you'll get your Reiki one certification Location and a breathwork for self certification all inside this self-care bundle. So that's coming in June. So just follow along for that. I don't yet have information or anything to share with you, but just kind of tuck it away in your back pocket and know that it is coming soon. Thank you so much for listening to your guest filled life. It just means so much to me to have you along this journey with me. And if there are any topics that you would like to hear about that I haven't touched on, please let me know. Just send me an email or connect with me on Instagram, and I'll do my best to talk about the things that you really want to talk about. If you could please go leave the podcast a rating and review right now. That would be incredibly helpful. The podcast is in the top 5% of all podcasts globally because of listeners like you, and I want to get it into the ears of more people.
Brenda 00:32:59 Thank you so much for being here. Bye for now. Until next time.
