Brenda Winkle 00:00:23 Hello and welcome to your yes filled life. I'm your host, Brenda Winkle. Today I am live streaming on my Facebook profile as well as recording the podcast. So today's working title is when walking away is Wisdom and Not fear. So this is essentially how to tell the difference between a nervous system misalignment. Meaning you're stressed, maybe you're triggered, maybe you're exhausted, and a true misalignment when it really is time for you to walk away. So as we dive into this, let's just name that there is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from not knowing whether you're supposed to stay or go. And this can be something as simple as when is it time to leave a networking event? When is it time to take leave from a workshop that you feel like you've gotten whatever you can from it, or something more high stakes? Like when is it time to leave a relationship? Or when is it time to switch jobs? Or when is it time to consider moving or changing housing? And no matter whether it's low stakes, like is it time to leave this meeting or more high stakes, is it time to leave this relationship? There is a feeling that goes along with it and the feeling is looping.
Brenda Winkle 00:01:58 I guess that's not a feeling. That's more of like something that's happening internally, where you think about the same thing again and again and again. You revisit the same options that you have for the decision. Maybe you find yourself trying to make decisions by committee, and you're asking everybody they know what they think or what they would advise, and you still don't feel settled. Mostly because that's not the real problem, right? The problem that you're talking about is most often not the real problem. And in general, you probably have a feeling like you should be clearer by now than you really are. And here's what I want you to know. If you're here, if you're listening live on Facebook, if you're listening to the podcast, you're not indecisive. You are not doing this wrong. You're not broken, you're discerning. And That discernment is part of what makes you really special. It's what makes you very good at what you do because you have a high level of integrity, you have a high level of inner reflection.
Brenda Winkle 00:03:09 You're trying to do better. You're trying to be a better version of yourself. You're trying to leave the world a better place. And because of that, it makes these decisions feel much more high stakes. So a couple things wanting to leave a situation, whether it's a workshop, a meeting, a relationship, a home, a city, a friendship, a marriage does not automatically mean misalignment. And another important distinction to make is staying in the meeting, the home, the relationship. The marriage does not automatically mean growth. And sometimes we tell ourselves that maybe there is something more to be gained by staying here. Maybe there's something I'm supposed to learn. Maybe there's a universal lesson here. So here's the thing. Your nervous system, your body is having a response to any upcoming change. Even good change can communicate to the nervous system that there's a threat. Because as humans, we have been biologically predisposed to look at any change as potential threat. And so your body reacts to an upcoming change, even if it's aligned for you, even if you're only thinking about the change, your body is already responding to it.
Brenda Winkle 00:04:42 And a lot of times, your logic, your thinking mind, your your intellectual field, the the mental field doesn't have language and your body is already saying something. So I would love to introduce a way to think about this. A lot of times we think about should I stay or should I go? And it's really that simple. And I would like to bring in another layer. And the other layer is the difference between activated leaving and regulated leaving. And here's the difference. Activated leaving means that in the course or in the decision to leave the relationship, the workshop, the marriage, the the outing with the girlfriends, the friendship, whatever it is, whether it's high stakes or low stakes, if you're activated, you are trying to seek relief. You're trying to make yourself feel better. Which, by the way, is completely valid. But we'll talk about what might be an even more long term, better option here in just a second. So the activating excuse me activated leaving is relief seeking The regulated leaving is when you have come into self trust, when you're regulated, and then you make the choice to leave.
Brenda Winkle 00:06:02 The decision tends to be of higher integrity long term with your goals and desires and your values. So there's a reason, a really specific reason that high performing and high integrity people and leaders struggle here. It's because you hold responsibility. You care for others. You know that your choices have an impact on others, like a direct effect. And walking away and quitting isn't natural for you. In fact, you probably have stayed in things too long. You probably have overdone, overcommitted, and overstayed in a lot of different situations in your life because of how much you care. And you know, the truth is, when you care deeply. Your decisions can feel heavier, not more clear. It's really important to understand this is not just fear. This is not avoidance. This is your capacity being exceeded. And what I mean by capacity. If you imagine like a coffee cup, there's there's a specific amount of liquid or whatever you can fill that cup to for it to have capacity. When we overfill the cup we are now over capacity.
Brenda Winkle 00:07:31 When we're talking about something like a coffee cup, it's really clear. When it's full, it's obvious. And when the coffee cup is full, it will just begin to leak over. There's no emotionality around it. It doesn't need to. It doesn't need to make excuses for why it's running all over the place. It's just, you know, when the cup is full, the cup is full and it runs over. It's over capacity. But for us, as humans, we can exceed our capacity a lot. We can exceed our capacity often. And even though we're internally overflowing in ways that do not feel good, that don't allow us to be our best selves, that don't allow us to really show up or even acknowledge what we're experiencing internally. We still continue to do it because we assign emotionality to it. We make it mean something. And so I'm probably not going to be able to talk you through making it mean something, because that is what it is to be human. We do make it mean something because it's important to us, because it matters.
Brenda Winkle 00:08:40 And also clarity doesn't come from thinking harder, Doing high integrity work and making high integrity decisions don't mean anything other than you're being true to you and it comes through your. When your system has enough capacity, remember, think of the coffee mug. When your system has enough capacity to feel the truth, all of a sudden that truth lands. So here's how you can tell the difference in your body. And this is really the heart of what we're talking about today. When you notice a sense of urgency or pressure to decide right now, or pressure to delay or mental bargaining, well, that would sound like if I just dot, dot, dot, then I'll feel better. Or if you notice yourself overthinking and looping, there's an emotional charge. Meaning you're angry, sad, Frustrated, mad, heartbroken. Any of those big emotions plus exhaustion. And you have the feeling I just want this to stop. Then there could be an activated child or a protector part. And if you aren't quite sure what a child or protector part is.
Brenda Winkle 00:10:07 Go back and listen to the previous episode of your yes filled life, because I talk about it and explain the difference between a child part and a protector part in in really simple terms, but I think it'll it'll land. So I'm going to say this again, because it's so important when you couple the feeling, I just want this to stop with urgency, pressure, mental bargaining, looping and overthinking and an emotional charge. It's likely that we have some type of activated or protector part. And in that case, what we would want to do is tend to The activated part. The part of you that doesn't have their needs met. The part of you that is seeking relief, finding out. Like what is it that that part really needs? That means really listening to the inner self. Now you can do some of this work on your own. You can do a lot of this work on your own. You can place your hand on your heart. You can, you know, tap on the collarbone point.
Brenda Winkle 00:11:09 You can even pat your heart like you're patting a baby's back. You can do all of those things, and you'll get to a certain place, and it will be really impactful and valuable, and you really can do some of it on your own. Some of it you will need support on because you can't see the label from inside the jar. So when you work with a hopefully trauma informed practitioner, whether it's a therapist or a somatic coach or a brother facilitator, when you work with that person, they can help you see what maybe isn't visible to you right now. And that's the benefit of working with somebody. And I really think that there's something valuable about working with someone trauma informed, because they understand the role that any past traumas you may have had have in your healing process, and they will be cautious not to re traumatize you. I am a trauma informed somatic coach and trauma informed breathwork facilitator, and it does make a difference in how I approach things. That's not to say you have to work with me, but I do really recommend that you find someone trauma informed.
Brenda Winkle 00:12:20 Now when we talk about regulated clarity, it's going to feel slightly quieter. It may have a degree of emotional heaviness, but there's also steadiness. And what I mean by emotional heaviness and steadiness is deciding to leave isn't necessarily going to feel immediately like relief. There might be grief in that decision, or there might be just a little bit of, oh, I don't know what's going to happen next. Kind of feeling in that decision. And so there might be heaviness. That doesn't mean it's wrong. You'll know the difference because there's like a steadiness. There's it's not certainty as in, you know, the the certainty of the outcome, but it's certainty in knowing that you're making the right choice. And there may be there may be sadness when we decide to leave something or even just a little bit of like, well, I sure wish it would have been different, but there won't be a sense of urgency. The other thing you'll notice when there's regulated clarity is there's not going to be a storyline that you're telling yourself.
Brenda Winkle 00:13:27 There's not going to be people in roles of like the villain or the hero. It's just going to be kind of a neutral thing, and there's not going to be a lot of blame. Both the regulated clarity And the activated child part or protected part energy can feel or sound like I really want to leave. I really want this to end. But only one comes from steadiness and it's the regulated clarity. And so the goal would be that you get into a regulated state. Now here's the thing. In most of our lives, we don't have the luxury of as soon as you feel something, you can just go, you know, take some, take some time and do a breathwork session or take some time and do a somatic practice. For some of us, that is that is a luxury. That is one of the the real benefits of doing the work that I do now is I do have that luxury to be able to process. And also I've had some experiences recently that reminded me it has not always been like that.
Brenda Winkle 00:14:31 For me. It was not like that for me for the bulk of my life. And I know it's not like that for the bulk of humanity. And here's what I mean. If you're in a high pressure situation, you're in a job. You are in a caregiving or caretaking profession, like education or wellness or medicine or coaching or healing. Things happen quickly and you have to stay emotionally regulated even while those things are happening. And because there is the need, and it really is a need for you to stay emotionally regulated, there's a certain level of like pushing down emotional experiences. And as you push down those emotional experiences, you're building up what I call the somatic load. The somatic load is the heaviness, the exhaustion, the activation, the can't think clearly. It's when you're not your best self, you find yourself a little bit short tempered, maybe Reacting sharply in a way that you don't typically react sharply. Or maybe you lose your patience on people that you really, really love. At the end of a long day, that's all part of somatic load.
Brenda Winkle 00:15:49 And if we don't find a way to discharge the somatic load every day because we do have it every day, it is going to build up bubble over, just like we talked about with the coffee mug that might be overflowing. And so, you know, recently I had an experience where things were happening really, really, really quickly. There were a lot of moving parts. There were a lot of considerations. There were a lot of people involved in this situation. And my somatic load was building, building, building. you might notice tension. A lot of times we carry it across our shoulders or in the backs of our necks. You might notice clenching in your hands. You might notice fingernail marks on your palms. you might notice, depending on where you carry your attention, that your legs are exhausted when you get home because you've been clenching your quads or standing up, you know, really tightly. And when that happens, we're adding to the somatic load. We're adding, adding, adding, adding.
Brenda Winkle 00:16:51 And then at the end of the day, that somatic load needs some place to go, because if it doesn't have someplace to go where it's outwardly processed. I'm not talking about screaming or crying necessarily, but I'm talking about we're releasing that somatic load. It just builds up internally, and it adds to the sense of confusion about our decisions, which absolutely impacts the clarity of our decision around. Should I stay or should I go? Because if you have this big somatic load, you've carried all the pressure, all the tension, all the emotions from days or weeks, of course it's hard for you to decide what you should do, and I remember and remember this time it was a very low stakes environment. I was waiting at the end of a workshop for teachers. I was a teacher still at the time, and this was an event that happened every year. And one of the things that I became, became very aware of was that we were staying longer than any other field of teachers in our workshop.
Brenda Winkle 00:18:04 So let's say the rest of the teachers got released at four. We would get released at 430 or even five. And, you know, at a certain point that's fun. And you're like, oh yeah, we're the really hard working ones. But then at a certain point you're like, come on. And I was at that point I was like, come on, we don't have to prove our worth to everybody. And so I remember sitting in this meeting and every year there was a door price, and we would get tickets at the beginning of the day. And then we were asked to stay till the very end of the meeting. And then you must be present to win your ticket. Or I mean, you must be present to win. So you presented your ticket, and then you could get your prize. And years went by and I would wait till the end of the day. And then I would either finally give up and then I would wonder, oh my gosh, did I do the right thing? Did I just miss out on something really big? Did I miss out on the perfect thing that I really needed to get through this teaching year or whatever? And then one year I won.
Brenda Winkle 00:19:06 My ticket number was the one that was called, and I was so excited I finally won. It had been more than a decade of me sitting through this beating every single year, waiting to win. And. Do you want to know what my prize was? It was the five little pumpkins bought book. Now that is a really cool book, especially for a music teacher. It's great, but you know what? That book is worth $5. $5. I over gave overperformed over, showed up for years and won a $5 board book. And so I always liken this feeling of am I waiting to win the door prize? And so when I think about when I get into the sense of should I stay or should I go in any topic of my life, I always think about this door prize, and I think about if I were to win a $5 board book at the end of this, would whatever I'm going through right now still be worth it? And sometimes the answer is yes. It really would be because it's fulfilling, because there's something that feels really aligned, there's something that feels connected and nurturing and nourishing and feels exciting in a certain way.
Brenda Winkle 00:20:31 And sometimes it's just a no. And so even when you decide something is aligned, even if it's brand new, if you get the sense and you're regulated, you've taken care of the nervous system, you have taken care of your emotions, you are releasing your somatic load, and then you still decide, yeah, this is not a line for me. That is an aligned decision and it's one that you can trust. And I alluded to this in the last episode, but there will always be people who want to talk you out of taking care of yourself, to talk you out of moving on, to talk you out of leaving, to talk you out of doing the new thing, to talk you out of doing the brave thing. There will always be people there ready to pull you right back. And so if you rely on the people around you to support the decision, and that's the only thing you're relying on. And there's no internal sense of, I know this is for me, then it's very easy for us to get sucked back in.
Brenda Winkle 00:21:41 Ask me how I know that happened to me time after time after time, in leaving different relationships that were misaligned at best and abusive at worst. And so you have to get really clear before you make the move. Yeah. This is this is for me or this is not for me. Get really, really clear. Because even if something has made sense on paper and it no longer makes sense, it is okay to move on. Especially when you can trust you're not leaving because it's uncomfortable. You're leaving because staying would require self abandonment. And that's a really important distinction. So important. I'm going to say it again. When you get clear and you leave, or you decide to stop something from a regulated place, you can trust that you are not leaving because you're avoiding discomfort. You're leaving to avoid self abandonment. So what to do if you're here right now? Okay, so I'm not going to give you a bunch of steps. Because if you're overloaded in this decision place of your life, you don't need a bunch of steps.
Brenda Winkle 00:22:56 But what I would invite you to do is to wait to make the decision until you're not activated. Like, just give yourself some time. It's 99.9% not an emergency because if it was an emergency, you would be able to make a very quick decision because you would have the perfect cocktail of hormones for a very fast decision. So don't have to decide right now. You don't have to force anything. You don't have to force clarity. Just create some spaciousness for yourself. Give yourself time to process that somatic load. Do some breathwork. Do some somatic practices. Take a walk. Go to a kickboxing class. Go to a dance event. Just kind of work it out. And that might mean doing really simple things. In fact, I like simple. You could just take a pause in the car. Like set a timer for 5 minutes or 10 minutes in the car by yourself, where you can just be or take a quiet walk. You're not listening to anything. You're not consuming anything. You're just with yourself.
Brenda Winkle 00:24:00 Invitation to add some touch. Because I have found that when I place a hand on my heart, or hand on my belly, or hand on my cheeks, there's something, there's some connection there for me that feels really nourishing. And I invite you to do that too. It'll feel really good and just let yourself feel whatever you're feeling without trying to solve it. Discernment does not come from pushing through. It comes from settling. So by the way, I want to just be really clear. Nothing I offer is therapy. I am not a psychologist. I do not offer professional mental health advice. I'm coming from the lens of an energy healer, a somatic coach, lifelong educator, someone with a master's degree in educational leadership, and a bunch of certificates in various trauma informed modalities. But if you're in a season where this question keeps coming up, should I stay, should I go? It tells me your identity is shifting because your identity is moving into a new place of expansion. Your identity is moving into a new version, and that's really exciting.
Brenda Winkle 00:25:19 The last several episodes, I want to say six or so episodes of your yes filled life are all talking about identity, so you can go have a listen. They're at different phases of identity and they might be really supportive for you. In fact, they will be supportive for you. And if you're looking for some more advanced support, the Intuitive Leader Retreat exists for exactly this kind of transition. Not to tell you what to do, but to give your body enough space and safety that you can figure it out on your own. It's in person, it's slow, it's spacious, it's on the coast. We'll be in Lincoln City, Oregon, overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and there is a trail for us to easily get down to the beach. Should weather allow for that. We could do walks on the beach again if weather allows, but it's a chance for you to get regulated. There's breathwork that involves Reiki, Reiki infused breathwork. There's long, leisurely lunches together. Snacks. Time by the fire.
Brenda Winkle 00:26:24 You're going to have this new identity mirrored back to you. And in my experience, that's the most impactful and transformative part of all is having your new identity mirrored back to you. I just want you to know you're not behind, you're not broken, and you don't have to rush this. And I believe in you. The thing that you're going through right now, the thing on your heart, the transition that you're moving through, it's a sign that you are very strong, that you're very attuned, that you have a high level of integrity. And I'm so, so proud of you. Thank you so much for being here. Bye for now. Until next time.
